just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
