when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
She bit a glass in half.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
