I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
