Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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