I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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