You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
