I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
