Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
