Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
