i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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