sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
