whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
