soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
