So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
