I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
