where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i think my mom watched the whole time
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
