You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize