Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
