she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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