He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
