You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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