proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
