Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
