if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Someone came in the potted fern
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
