this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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