Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
