3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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