cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Come see our sink grown plant.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Randomize
