I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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