Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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