Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize