my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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