If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
