Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
