I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
