I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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