walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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