I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm always down for nudity.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
