dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
