The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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