matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
