My room smells like vodka and shame
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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