something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
operation have a gay friend backfired
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
