I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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