Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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