I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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