I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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