we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
