I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
