oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
