I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
