I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
