Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
