Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
