Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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