...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
