Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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