I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
