just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
