I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
