I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
