can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Randomize
