can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
