i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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