Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Randomize
