she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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