I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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