I can tuck mytits in my pants
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
