I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
