people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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