I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
